Thursday, March 18, 2010

I'm Finally Back!!!

The only reason I took such a long hiatus from this blog was the fact that I couldn't log in for nearly a year. I kept asking for my password and it never sent me anything until tonight. I am glad to be back, but not sure if I can continue to focus so broadly (narrowly?) on the bipolar experience. I am a creative writing major and I have the urge to write about everything else too.

However, in keeping with the spirit of the blog I am going to write about my personal experiences with bipolar a bit more.
Right now I am going through some rough times with my disease. When I began this blog I was unemployed, had withdrawn from university, and was hopping from one med cocktail to the next looking for "the one." After I found a magical concoction of pills that "worked" things changed. A year later I have returned to school, made the Dean's list in the fall, gotten a job and held it down for 8 months, remained completely clean and sober for over a year so far, made one new friend, and gotten reacquainted with some old friends.

These things are all huge! Unfortunately, I am at a real crossroads in this journey of mine. My medication is affecting my quality of life. I have early waking insomnia on one pill so after trying every sleep aid, I ended up on a benzodiazapene. These drugs are powerfully physically addictive. Withdrawal symptoms of benzos can actually cause death. I do not like being physically dependent on a drug. They also slow cognition and impair memory. The drug which caused the insomnia has helped pack an extra 20 pounds onto my already severely overweight body. I am also struggling with school and my depression.

I am glad that tonight I was finally able to get back on this blog. I really needed to write this. There have been successes, but there are new struggles. This disease does not manage tries to manage those of us suffering with it. We have to wrestle with the monster and try to push it back into its corner, wait is that a boxing or a wrestling analogy?

I have begun work with another new therapist (insurnace changes) doing social rhythm therapy. I need to research some more about it and will post on it soon. Our therapy is in its infant stage at this juncture. So for now just know that I am still plenty of steps from normal, but that I have made my way back here, and I certainly have something to say.


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